Friday, April 22, 2016

Kink Can Be in the Little Things

Sometimes things get busy (a common theme) or for other reasons there simply isn't an opportunity to play (family visiting, the flu, etc.). Today's post is about how we maintain our kink and our D/s relationship in the face of those (rather common) challenges.

For me it's simple: our dynamic—actually our very relationship—has a dominance/submission power exchange at its core. It didn't start out that way. That whole thing was an evolution...a process.

After attending two BOLD conferences (an excellent weekend conference on the D/s and MDHL dynamic) we understood the necessity to confer some rituals, habits, and loving "reminders" into our relationship. This was particularly true after Lizzie moved in with me, but some of them developed even before (most notably long distance punishments).

Now that we are a "seasoned" couple, both in terms of living together as well as being in a full time D/s relationship, those things that keep our dynamic going are part of our daily routine—without ever becoming routine.
If you’ve read our blog for any length of time, you know that we tend to live our lives a bit on the, uh, hectic side. If we aren’t traveling, our schedule quickly fills up with visitors, events, and other plans. Even as empty-nesters, we don’t always have at much time to play as we might want.

But as much as we enjoy the play - and believe me, we both enjoy our scenes and our play - our relationship isn’t necessarily based on that. It started that way, of course, as Craig and I met at a spanking party and became play partners. But as our friendship grew and our relationship intensified, we discovered there was more between us than great scenes.

We’ve attended conferences and lectures on MDHL and D/s. And I’m always reading, finding new perspectives and discussing them with Craig. Those experiences, and the conversations that followed, have taught us a great deal about ourselves and what we want. (You can find one of my better descriptions of that here.)
When things get busy, that's even more important. When we don't have time or simply can't have an intense scene (those seem to always reinforce our power exchange in a tangible, intimate way), the little things are what remind us of who we have chosen to be.

I'll share a few of those, some of which may seem trite but are quite a part of our power exchange:

Lizzie makes my coffee almost every morning. That alone is a very "50's housewife" kind of thing in this day and age. But when she makes it, she brings a mug of steaming Starbucks to me, kneels in front of me, kisses the cup and looks up at me and says, "Here's your coffee, sir." I take the cup, sample it, make a verbal note of how it tastes, and then set the cup aside and lift her to a standing position. I kiss her on the lips and again on the forehead and tell her she is a very good girl.

As a side note, sometimes when Lizzie isn't feeling good or if she's rushed to head out the door I'll go and make coffee myself. When that happens, she can become very hurt that I "took that away from her." A guy can never win. ;-)

If we make a cocktail, get a glass of wine, or when we sit down to a meal—either at home or when we go out—Lizzie won't take a first sip or bite until I have done so first. It's such a little thing. When we're out with friends or family, no one ever notices. But I do. And that's a part of our D/s dynamic, too.

There are a myriad of little things that make up the simple day-to-day domestic power exchange in our lives. Sometimes it's just a glance, or a "young lady" uttered. When Lizzie is scattered or ramping up into becoming upset, a powerful grab of her wrist or wrists will suddenly (and to me, almost inexplicably) ease her. I can physically see her muscles relax when I do this.

Each and every one of those little things have purpose and meaning. Sure, it's easy to let them become rote because of their frequency and daily occurrence, but for us (and I would suggest if you try to add this to your dynamic, for you too) it's an important and symbolic way we remind one another of our promise and commitment to our D/s, part of the bedrock of our broader domestic relationship.
Over the course of living together, we’ve developed different rituals and rules that keep our dynamic in the forefront of our minds. I’ll try to write about different ones than those Craig already mentioned.

We have a series of rules that we’ve developed governing things that I notify (mostly by text) Craig about. I text him any time I leave the house, telling him where I’m headed. I text when I arrive at that location and when I leave again. Basically, he always knows where I am - whether I’m at home, at school, running errands, or in transit between activities.

I know there are apps that could easily give him the same information. And I know that works well for many of our friends. But for us, there is something particularly powerful in the act of telling him. It’s more than just the simple fact that he knows where I am. I take an affirmative step to let him know, each time I leave a location. I have an obligation to let him know where I am and what I’m doing.

It adds a step to going anywhere or doing anything. (Sometimes with amusing consequences, as you can read about here.) It’s not a huge burden, but it does make me aware of our dynamic on a daily basis.

This is just one of the things I do every day to strengthen and affirm our dynamic. The things that Craig does are very different, because the shifted power dynamic of our relationship means that our experiences are very different. His side of our “everyday” is perhaps more immediate and less ritual or rule based. He will grab my wrist. Or reach out to touch my face in a certain way that draws out my submission.

These are some of the simple things we do. They could be dismissed as habits or quirks by our vanilla family and friends, but we’ve given them meaning that goes beyond the act itself.

[Second picture by The Clandestine Capture. You can find her on Fetlife - here, or on Tumblr - here.]

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