Thursday, November 29, 2012

Our Journey: Genuine Punishments

In Our Journey series, we explore an aspect of our kink - how we discovered it and how we got to the place we are now. Here, we discuss our exploration of genuine punishments as it relates to our D/s. This was something that took a great deal of discussion to find something that worked for us.

A Genuine Punishment No! No! No!
Lizzie and I had a fun, casual play relationship—mostly at parties and occasionally via email and IM. There were some “issues” that I had seen arise as patterns in her life and I suggested that perhaps what she really needed was a punishment as a means to help curb these particular traits. Her response was immediate and vehement. “Absolutely not. I have no interest in D/s.”

When we started talking about it again a few weeks/months later (it needed time to sit) I learned something that seemed rather much a duh when she said it. The notion of punishment didn’t work with her because, well, she’s quite the pain slut. She can pretty much take about as much as can be given, so the notion of getting a spanking is more of a “Yes, thank you!” than an, “Oh shit! No! Don’t do that!”

So that got me thinking.

If threatening with a punishment resulted in a “Yes please!” I needed to come up with something that would instill a cold and icy chill up the spine when I said it. And even worse, if it came to be, wouldn’t be fun at all. So as our conversations progressed on the subject I introduced the idea to her of what we “affectionately” refer to as a “G.P.” A Genuine Punishment.
When Craig first mentioned punishment and accountability in our relationship, my response was: “Not no, but hell no! Never, ever, ever. I am NOT interested.” [To anyone who wants to say “never say never,” this is your chance. I knew better then and I certainly know better now. Thanks.] My response was so vehement that it was some time before we discussed this issue again.

For context, my interest in spanking began as a child, when spanking meant punishment (albeit one my parents never used). In the natural progression of things, my earliest spanking fantasies revolved around punishment scenarios. When I began to explore these fantasies, I pursued disciplinarian-style relationships with little success.

The primary problem is that I, well, LOVE to be spanked. It’s a bit like being told: “Because you didn’t eat your dinner, you’re going to have to eat a piece of your favorite dessert.” And because I am a pain slut, you can’t even get to “you’ll have to eat the entire cake until you’re sick” point with me, without going to a physically damaging point that is outside my limits. And unfortunately, I’ve had too many people suggest the latter.
The True Nature of the Pain Slut Well, maybe...
Once it dawned on me (again, duh!) that the pain slut wouldn’t find a threat of a punishment as being anything but a reward, my mind went to work. I did a little research on FL, asked some Dommy friends, and found that most people weren’t in the same mindset as where I was heading with this. Corner time was the typical response. That seemed easy and frustrating, but what I wanted to do was instil fear in the hearts of my girl when I threatened the dreaded G.P.

My biggest problem was that she was in a faraway state and I was in L.A., so when she needed some correction it would have to be done long distance. The idea of long distance D/s works for some, but for me it’s hard to imagine and even harder for me to see inflicting. After all, “Spank yourself” just seems laughable to me (though I’ll admit I know it works for some). So...not standing in the corner, not a “funishment” and something that could be done long distance. This was getting harder.

Finally, after talking to Lizzie on the phone one day, I discovered she had done something rather egregious—one of her “issues” had arisen again. Our relationship had taken on more gravitas in the ensuing months since our initial conversation on the topic and it seemed time to exact her first G.P.
We discussed the concept on and off for some time. I described some of the problems I’d encountered - “punishment” spankings that ended up being sensual spankings, idiots who promised they could beat me enough to be punishment (I never tried this, I don’t have any interest in being beaten senseless), ridiculous attempts at being told to stand in the corner which were either goofy roleplays or even sillier “funishments.”

But as Craig and I talked in detail about these various experiences, I began to think that maybe, just maybe, it was worth trying. When I described a situation, Craig questioned the dynamics and the reasons, helping me learn more about what had gone wrong. as the emails flew back and forth, I decided I was willing to try it out with him.

I wrote about the first physical punishment scene we had HERE, but I haven’t written about an earlier occasion that cemented for me the decision to try. I’d had a trying evening at a spanking party. Craig tucked me in, but I was whiney and obstinate, fighting the need to go to bed early. He threatened to treat me “like one of his kids” and take away my phone. I pulled the covers up to my chin and fell asleep.
The Rice Torture Ugh
“Go to your kitchen and get some uncooked rice. Now.” Lizzie, on the other end of the phone, was baffled. She did as she was told, undressed and scattered the rice on her hardwood floor. I told her to kneel on the rice, keeping her toes off the floor. I told her to put her iPhone nearby, on speaker. I set a timer and put my phone on mute so she would experience an inexorable silence. At the end of this (short) time—five minutes—I came back on the line and told her to get up. I heard her the entire time, sniffling and sighing and moaning in pain.

“Did it hurt?” I asked. “YES!” “Was it a ‘good hurt’?” I inquired. “NO!”

She cried and sniffled and I told her she was a good girl, she had received her first Genuine Punishment. She agreed that punishment wasn’t something she would ever want, let alone wish on anyone else! After she settled down I told her to go to the kitchen and fetch a small glass jar. Then I made her pick up each and every grain, place them in the jar and put the jar someplace where she would see it every day as a visual reminder to do as she was told. A visual deterrent.

I’ve used this G.P. with other girls long distance and it’s highly effective. I’ve also used corner standing in a pinch, but with other additions to show my very real sincerity in them understanding how serious I took the punishment. I’m pretty creative, so these G.P.s aren’t hard for me to figure out.

Lizzie rarely earns a G.P. She’s a good girl. Our dynamic, our relationship and our D/s has grown over time. The absolutes are that she is a true pain slut and that our Genuine Punishments are anything but funishments.
Looking back, I think we started playing with this dynamic long before either of us would have classified it as such. It works not because of the specific (frequently creative) punishments Craig dreams up, but because of our relationship - the respect and the power exchange we share.

Craig doesn’t punish me for trivial things or use punishments that encourage me to repeat the behavior to “earn” the fun. He can terrify me with two simple words: Genuine Punishment.

More often, though, we don’t get that far. He can settle me with a few whispered words. He can pull me back from a melt down with one hand, wrapped tightly around my wrist. That simple action takes my breath away and pulls everything back into focus.

The long-distance punishments Craig describes worked, but I’m happy to have the distance removed from our relationship. I was thrilled to throw away that glass jar of rice when Craig was helping me pack up so that he could take me home. But there was a bit of melancholy with that as well - a bit of sadness in throwing away the visual reminder of our first experiments.

It’s an adventure - this thing we do. A quest of learning what works and what doesn’t, always being open to the idea that opinions and needs may change. Something that makes me recoil today might interest me when displayed in a different light.

I still don’t like a Genuine Punishment (it wouldn’t be much of a punishment if I did!), but I know that I need them sometimes. And I’m lucky to have found someone who understands me so well.


  1. It's very interesting to hear about what works for others in their relationships. I've heard the debate many times that a "true spanko" can't have spanking as a punishment because they'd like it.

    Personally, I disagree with that. I think it comes down to one's headspace and the dynamic they have with the top. All sorts of things can work, physical or not, as your post shows.

    1. I agree, Lea, that it depends on the individual's headspace and relationship dynamic. For me, spanking doesn't work as a punishment or a deterrent. I wouldn't say it's because I'm a "true spanko" or a masochist or a pain slut (though all of those labels have been applied to me), but it simply doesn't work for me. Just because it doesn't work for me, I wouldn't say it couldn't work for anyone else...just as I wouldn't say "no one can get off on [insert the most-off-the-wall kink you can think of here]."

      Craig and I have experimented with plenty of different things. I think I'll put "well, that didn't work out the way we planned" on our list of blog post ideas for the future, because I'm sure we could come up with plenty of entertaining disasters. :)

    2. I can get all in her head with some guilt or passive aggressive shit, but even then, even in that headspace, I know deep down inside she likes it in one way or another.

  2. fabulous post - and a topic very close to my heart. Im a spanko without a doubt - though I wouldnt go so far as to say im a pain slut - its the dominance of teh spanking i like rather than the pain itself....though if it were an over the knee hand spanking - im in heaven. But i do so agree with Lea in that for me a spanking can be used as a punishment before of my "head space" its a completely different dynamic than "playing". Its the knowledge of my wrong doing and the disappointment Sir has in me becuase of that particular action ... to me thats the punishment. The spanking is a way to clear the air and an act of forgiveness.
    Unfortunately I think as subbies - whatever the punishment is, in some way, deep down, we like it...its what we are ...submissive. Perhaps the way to punish a submissive is to withdraw the dominance for a day or for a period of time. Uggghh that would so hard for me. Just a thought.

    1. Thanks for your feedback, kiwigirliegirl. Your comments are similar to many discussions we've had with others. Like we said, for Lizzie she can't take a spanking as a true punishment because she loves it so much--even with the scolding that goes with it. For us, it's gotta be something else, be it corner time or something truly miserable.

    2. I can appreciate your viewpoint, kiwigirliegirl. I know that my submissive nature "likes" any punishment - in that the punishment provides both forgiveness and proof that Craig is paying attention, that he cares, that I'm still his. But my nature is not such that I think, "I wonder what I could do to convince Craig to make me stand in the corner tonight". Unfortunately, I'm all too inclined to think, "I wonder what I could do to get Craig to spank me tonight." And it's that second part that causes a problem, more than how I feel about any particular act.

      For example, when I read stories about girls with Tops who spank them for smoking, I sometimes joke that I would *start* smoking to earn the spankings. That's just how I'm wired. I need the D/s and punishment in my life; but I don't need these things to lead me to make more destructive choices.

  3. your blog is so amazing!